God's Favorite Person

I believe in God. I believed in God before I met Michael Kilgarriff, but now, I’m sure that there is a God. For those of you, who do not have the privilege to know Mike, let me fill you in. Mike is an average guy in almost all respects. He’s tall-ish, kind of smart, enjoys a good time, likes metal, a solid pong partner, you know, a decent guy, but a dime-a-dozen. However there is one very special thing that makes Mike unique. Mike is God’s favorite person.
How that plays out during the course of his life is simple; everything Mike has ever wanted has been given to him. He has encountered no resistance in life. Things come easy to him. If Mike got a little short on cash, someone would give him money. If Mike got hungry, food would turn up nearby. If Mike got bored at work, his boss would tell him to take the rest of the day off, with pay. Picture if you had a problem weighing on you, and then suddenly the problem resolved itself in your favor. Except imagine if that happened every day of your life without once screwing you over. That is what it’s like to be Mike Kilgarriff.
But why you ask; is he devoutly religious? No. Is he extraordinarily kind? Nope. Does he put others before himself? Ha! My theory is that Mike is given everything, not because he’s earned it, but because he enjoys the moment without asking questions. He figures, correctly, why mess with a good thing? He’s just living the good life. Actually, I don’t like calling what Mike has a “life”. Not because I think he is wasting it or anything like that. I just find it hard to think that going to a perfect “after-life” would change things all that much for him. Seriously, Mike going to Heaven would happen something like this; Waking up in his apartment, and finding exactly the same surroundings just with a better stocked fridge and a PS3.
If you’re still having trouble visualizing Mike’s existence, allow me to recreate a day in the life of Mike Kilgarriff.

2:24PM - The day starts early for the Michael. Usually, he would be midway through his rock star dream at this point, but this was Thursday, which is right in the middle of his work week; his work week begins Wednesday at 1 p.m. and ends today at 5. This is the heaviest class load Mike has ever taken in a single term.
2:35PM – Mike walks outside his apartment door naked to find the Chinese food has been delivered to his neighbor. He thinks that it might get cold before the guy realizes that it’s there…
2:39PM – Watching TV between bites of General Tso’s Chicken, Mike decides that he will actually attend class today. He wouldn’t if he had any good videogames left to conquer but, all of the games automatically enter “God Mode” whenever he starts playing.
3:14PM – Mike, getting out the door early for his 3 O’clock class, picks a twenty dollar bill off the tree outside his apartment in case he needs some cash. Now, of course, money doesn’t actually grow on his tree. A few weeks earlier, Mike, who was drunk, thought nailing money to the tree would, when he woke up, have accrued interest. Normally this would have been stolen, but some retarded hippie thought it was a protest, charity, or some other noble cause, and began a crusade to ensure, unknowingly, that Mike would always have pocket change. The tree currently has about $450 of Mike Kilgarriff petty cash fastened to it.
3:19PM- Mike spots President Papadakis walking with some of his PR people. Mike remembers that someone, who is not himself, has to pay money on his behalf to Papadakis. So Mike yells at him, “You fuckin’ tool!” which Papadakis mishears as “I love this school!” Swirling around to see that hairy, tanned man before him, Papadukes takes Mike to be Greek exchange student with a heavy accent. He ends up giving the confident looking Mike a full scholarship and offers to repay back this term’s tuition. A blasé Mike replies, “Whatever, I still wouldn’t fuck you wife.” Watching Mike walk away, Papadakis realizes what Mike just said, but oddly feels no anger towards him. All he can think is that he should have done more for Mike.
3:28PM- Mike walks into class, sees that there are numbers on the board higher than his age, thinks fucks this, and walks out.
3:35PM – Mike wanders into a fashion design class since it’s closer than his apartment. Being the only man not wearing pink in the room, he likes his chances. Before he sits down next to her, the bi-curious Dutch exchange student has just whispered to her friend, “I’m going to have sex with him.” Mike is happy about the quality and quantity of the women surrounding him, but is slightly disappointed since he thought that in all art classes there is a naked woman standing in the middle of the room.
3:52PM – After forcing eye contact then trying footsie, the exchange student resorts to rubbing Mike’s thigh; to which Mike replies, “If you want it, just go for it.”
3:53PM – Unbuckling his belt, Mike is glad that he decided to go to class today, but still thinks that he might have a better time with Guitar Hero and cartoon network, well at least the weekend is almost here.

Hopefully this glimpse into the life of Mike helps illustrate what it’s like to be #1 in God’s book. As you can see, Mike didn’t do anything wrong or ridiculous, he just accepted the absurd as normal. It’s like Mike is in bubble surrounding him in which reality as we know it does not apply. If he expressed any doubt or disbelief about the bubble, it would immediately pop, not that he would ever do that. Don’t be mad at Mike, he’s just doing what we all wish we could do, which is taking things at face value and live the good life. If you can’t accept that, and still don’t believe me, then stay tuned for the exciting conclusion to Mike’s lucky adventure; or as he would call it, “A Normal Wednesday”. Also, in the course of writing this article, a situation that I thought would surely screw me over has disappeared, so apparently thinking about Mike hard enough has some positive benefits, by transitive property. That really makes me feel for the unfortunate few that Mike considers enemies. Actually they all probably died of some horrible disease by now.