The first auto blog, you knew it was coming: The SUV part 1.

The demise of the automobile. Sure, it started off simple enough, Henry Ford, carrying your goat, "...Any color as long as it's black". Simple thinking from a forward-thinking visionary. He was also a huge racist, but that's another article plus it's not February, and I don't have to care yet. (Just kidding, fight the power!) Anyway, back when the only gas-powered car in the country (almost) was the model T. It got you were you wanted to go, and what else should an automobile be? Boy was that wrong. Where's the creature comforts? The dual climate control? The superficial off-road capabilities?

Ok I wasn't alive to see a Ford's revolution in anything other than a museum where I had to keep my distance, but I was alive in the 80's and that was a different time as well. Sure mainstream TV has gotten me convinced that everyone was on cocaine and had unprotected sex, but in addition to these perks of the era there was also a vastly simpler car market. You had a car, with 2 or 4 doors (if you were poor, maybe a hatch in there too, for further research ask Muto about his Cavalier). If you didn't have a car, you needed to haul shit to your job and so you had a truck. If you were shady/hippy you had a van, and there were also some sport cars, but mainly cars and trucks. Then, the scourge of my life emerged from the darkness, the SUV.

The SUV started out simple enough. It was mainly derived from military vehicles such as the Jeep. Since, the returning GI's were so fond of the reliable transportation and the army cash was burning a hole in their pockets, they took the logical step and demanded a civilian version. Willy's was happy to oblige and the first real Sport Utility Vehicle was born. Though several incarnations which I will not bore you or myself with, the modern SUV (like the Explorer) flourished in an environment, which like most things that piss me off grow in, a Republican run America. Regan's 80s brought cheap gas and the utter burning need to look (and act like) an asshole. So every soccer mom, slowly but surely, traded in their cute efficient minivan for a monstrosity that could handle arctic tundra (special thanks to that indie rock band for teaching me how to spell that word). I liken the rise of the SUV to a trend in history that I call the Kevin Federline Syndrome. You see in a typical KFS (Kentucky Fried Shit?) case, a mildly annoying but harmless entity is transformed, through a diet of morbid fascination and general indifference, into a thing so awful that it basically serves as a mockery for every noble value that we, as a species, have achieved and revered throughout history. I will go into further detail in my upcoming entry, "Kevin Federline is the reason why over 5,000 people in Africa die of AIDS every day".

This all culminated in my experience a few weeks back, and to be honest is the real reason I wrote this. A kid, a 18 year-old inexperienced driver at best, was licensed by the State Department of Transportation to drive a 2 Ton Instrument of Destruction into my 2,700 pound compact while I was doing less than the speed limit in the right lane. Granted I'm still kind of bitter about the whole thing, but still I'm out a car, and he still drove home with barely a scuffed tire. I don't hate the kid; I hate the society that felt insecure enough to need the SUV in the first place. I would like to go on the record right now and say that every person that owns a SUV would be better suited with a wagon or minivan. Honestly, when is the last time you actually used (or needed) the full-time four wheel drive, oh yeah never. There are exceptions to this rule, and I would be remiss if I didn't point out that I went surf fishing this weekend. But as I pointed out to my father, I could have made it out there with a regular Subaru, no H2 required. Sorry for taking so long to write another entry and having it be this long, but then again if you read all of this, you must really like me...sexually.